WWE ECW 163

July 21, 2009 – Richmond, Virginia

Yoshi Tatsu def. William Regal
Regal cut a xenophobic promo before the match. Why was Tatsu’s whole thing being the victim of prejudice. It’s such a fucking bummer on a wrestling show, and lead to absolutely nothing. The match was surprisingly stiff and exciting, and Tatsu’s comeback at the end was great. Even Regal’s restohold ended with a nice reversal from Tatsu. Tatsu won in 6:01 with a Saikyou High Kick. ***

Ezekiel Jackson def. Mike Williams
Quick squash. Jackson won in in 45 seconds with a uranage. His finisher and Sheamus’s finisher are really similar and they’re also both ECW squash machines right now. So that’s gonna need to change. Vladimir Kozlov came out after the match and hit Williams with the Iron Curtain, which is also kind of a similar finisher, while Jackson watched on. So they leaned into it! Lean into something else! N/A

They play a segment called Ask the Divas where the divas answer questions about women. The gap in both personal interests and appearance between most wrestling fans and women involved in wrestling is so vast that I don’t think the advice these ladies were giving was based in the same reality where the questions originated. 

Shelton Benjamin def. Goldust
This four-minute match felt at least twice as long. No special mention is made of Benjamin having pinned the number one contender and what it should mean for his career. Whatever, I’m checked out of this episode. Benjamin won in 4:07 with Paydirt. **

Sheamus shits on Finlay & Hornswoggle and says he’s a different kind of Irishman. The camera lingers on him for too long after he finishes speaking. Kevin Dunn still has a job ten years later. Later, Goldust interrupts a Paul Burchill interview with his tourettes. I forgot he ever did that. He accidentally slaps Burchill and then runs away. Fuck this show. And fuck Ed Norton while we’re at it. Wonder if I’ll remember why I wrote that when I read this in a few years. 

Tyler Reks def. Paul Burchill
The less said about this chinlock-fest the better. That said, if you’re sensitive to crowd noise and want to watch a wrestling match in silence, you can do it with this match and not have to put your TV on mute. Reks won with a roll up at 5:10. Burchill attacked Reks after the match. *

Tommy Dreamer and Christian are guests on the Abraham Washington Show in the main event. If this segment was going to be Abraham shitting on his guests, couldn’t they have hired real comedy writers? It’s so cringey. Christian calls that out, but that doesn’t forgive it. Christian and Dreamer aren’t getting along either. A million years later and a bunch of unconnected lines of dialogue later, they smack each other in the face. Then they stare at each other awkwardly while the show just ends. 

Let’s get this Tommy Dreamer title reign over with. From Night of Champions 2009:

July 26, 2009 – Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Christian def. Tommy Dreamer {ECW Championship Match}
This was a rather sterile version of their TV matches, which is a shame because those were good but needed a finish. This had a finish but needed some motivation. The Philly crowd did not show up for Dreamer either. Maybe they shouldn’t have jobbed him to Kozlov and made him sound like a goof on two episodes of a shitty talk show if they wanted people to get behind him. Christian hit the Killswitch for the win and the title at 8:28. **½