April 6, 2018 – New Orleans, Louisiana
This was a WrestleCon show. Melissa Santos and the Impact’s McKenzie Mitchell come out to hype the crowd. Santos swears a bunch. This usually happens before the camera starts rolling for a reason. One reason is the house mics are almost impossible to hear on the stream. What bush league nonsense, and sadly a sign of things to come for Lucha Underground. Mitchell wasn’t even Impact’s ring announcer, so she was totally out of place in the ring. Maybe she should cut a promo about football or Halloween.
Matanza Cueto def. Chavo Guerrero, Jack Evans, Caleb Konley, Matt Sydal, and Moose {Six Way Match}
The crowd chants for Eddie Guerrero when Chavo comes out, so that’s what we’re in for tonight. Evans is bald. Oh my god why is everything wrong? Speaking of, I mentioned in my Ultima Lucha Tres review that Matanza Cueto had run his course as a character. Nothing proves that more than having him be just a guy in a six-way opening match on a crossover show. Without the blood on his coveralls that’s especially true. This production is so bootleg that the commentators (Matt Striker & Josh Matthews, god help me) try to come up with a hashtag for the show on the fly and never settle on one. People make fun of WWE for shilling their social media so blatantly, but their marketing team understands how to make them successful on those platforms. Striker says the quiet part out loud when he accidentally calls out Evans for no-selling after dives. The match was a series of bland dives and then Cueto hitting the Wrath of the Gods on Conley for the win at 6:40. And then Cueto just leaves because the character is dead so why not have him follow the rules of the show? Guerrero cuts a promo but it’s impossible to make it out. The commentators say he was announcing the season 4 premiere date. But he’s been banned from the Temple so why is he making that announcement? I have a bad feeling about this. **
I’m skipping the Allie vs. Taya Valkyrie Impact Knockouts Championship Match because Taya is fully in her Impact gimmick and isn’t billed as a Lucha Underground wrestler. And I’m skipping the Scott Steiner & Teddy Hart vs. oVe match because of course I am.
Aerostar, Drago & King Cuerno def. Andrew Everett, Dezmond Xavier & DJ Z
Cool cool cool, just have Aerostar and Drago team up again with no explanation. Great. The LU team makes no sense. Matt Striker fully ignores the feud between the two in LU and says they’re the Lucha Superfriends. NOT FOR A LONG TIME NOW, MATTHEW! This was very lucha-ish, in that the action was consistently fast-paced and also in that there was a lot of incredibly contrived and over-choreographed action. Aregenis got to hit his fun bits and Cuerno did his best to keep things grounded, so there was enough to enjoy here. Cuerno tapped Everett to an Indian Deathlock at 10:14. ***
Trevor Lee def. Marty Martinez
This was scheduled to be Lee vs. Famous B, but Lee came out with Conley so B pulled a bait and switch and had Martinez wrestle for him. This was WWE house-show level silly. That is to say it wasn’t goofy enough to be a comedy match but not serious enough to be compelling. Lee won with a tight-assisted roll up at 5:10. Striker emphasizes that B and Martinez had a one-day contract, which is another way of saying that this show is meaningless and I’m wasting my time reviewing it. *½
Ortiz & Santana def. The Mack & Killshot {Impact Tag Team Championship Match}
Mack was clearly having a great time here, dancing and jiggling around the ring to hype the crowd. The challengers did something that’s rarely done; they pulled off a double team move I’ve never seen that I also liked. Killshot had Ortiz on his shoulders, pulled him up to the second turnbuckle, and then threw him into Mack’s Pounce. They also did a Killstomp Bomb. This match got me stoked for the tenure of these two as Lucha Underground Trios Champions in season 4. Sadly, shortly after that Ortiz botched a slam and killed the momentum and the crowd. It screwed up the flow of the finish, which ended with the champs hitting Killshot with a Blockbuster Bomb for the win at 13:14. ***¼
I’m going to skip the Cage vs. Eli Drake match for the same reason I skipped the Taya match. Why not have him just be Cage so this could be another interpromotional match? Why do the commentators ignore his LU tenure? Anyway, I did like Drake’s old school promo before the match.
Jeremiah Crane def. Eddie Edwards {I Quit Match}
I can’t wrap my head around why Callihan is using his LU gimmick but Cage and Taya didn’t. These two would go on to feud a lot in Impact, but this here was only their second match in the Impact wrestling universe. An I quit match as the first stipulation match in the rivalry seems like overkill, but then apparently Edwards’ wife was involved in the feud. Matthews has trouble on commentary squaring that Sami Callihan is meant to be Crane here, and calls him Callhan throughout the match. Striker did his best, which again (and I know I’m beating a dead horse) makes me wonder why Cage and Taya couldn’t have been LU. They also don’t call the match, but rather get into a debate about whether it’s better for the wrestlers to do extreme things for the press at the expense of their victims. But the match was shaping up to be a solid brawl, but then it went on way too long. Near the end of the match, Striker noted that Edwards seemed calm given the animosity in the feud. That’s a nice way of saying that Edwards isn’t holding up his end of the drama. But then Edwards does make a Solomon Crowe call, so that’s fun. oVe interfered, Crane started no-selling everything, and then won at 20:14 when Don Callis threw in the towel on behalf of Edwards. This needed about two-thirds the amount of time it got and it would have been way better had they tightened it up rather than losing all their steam in the last five minutes. That finish sucked too. Edwards smiled as he left. Has he gotten better since this? Because he was a charisma black hole here. **¼
Pentagon Dark def. Austin Aries and Fenix {Triple Threat Match}
Why on earth couldn’t this be for Dark’s title if he was winning anyway and Fenix was in there as a fall guy? Aries’ gimmick was that he was a belt collector (he came out with five belts here), so it’d make sense. I guess making sense doesn’t make sense on this show. It was meant to be a tag team match with Alberto El Patron on Aries’ team, but Patron no-showed and then got fired from Impact. Seems a good opportunity for a title match for all the reasons I mentioned above! This reminded me a lot of the triple threat match that the Lucha Brothers had with Drago early in in LU. This was about as good as that, which is to say it had some wild action as well as some moments that were tough to believe (in a bad way). A lot of Aries’ offense requires his opponent to let him do whatever he wants to them for too long. But this had the Lucha Brothers doing fun tandem stuff here, whereas in LU they wrestled strictly as opponents. Dark wins at 10:24 with a pumphandle piledriver on Fenix. So Lucha Underground goes up 4-2, though with Dark pinning Fenix there’s at least an asterisk here. Also nobody seemed to be keeping track so I guess it was all just for fun. ***½